Futile.

I need You like a cricket needs to chirp in quiet spaces.
I pace through darkened halls – a wretched maze behind my faces.
I need You in the darkness but decline to seek your light.
I’m futile as a cricket keeping quiet in the night.

 

 

 

 

 

© Doug Walton and wearehungryformoreofYou, 2012.

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4 comments on “Futile.

  1. I like the conciseness.

    The cricket being a creature of the night that though it lives in darkness, has something beautiful that it MUST express is a very apt metaphor and has a great mood to it.

    One thought would be to somehow avoid rhyming “tonight” with “night” in the last two lines. That last line would have more punch that way.

    • Doug says:

      It seems everyone sees something different in this one – and by everyone, I mean you and Sarah Burchfield. And myself. And that’s okay.

      I agree about the last rhyme. I have at least 3 alternative ideas for the 3rd line, and the “tonight”/”night” problem is by far the worse quality of the one that I chose. Unfortunately, I felt that of the alternatives I saw, it did the best job of creating the image I wanted to lead into the last line… so yea. Kinda a trade off. I may change it periodically and see if anyone notices. 🙂 Thanks for your comments, Josiah.

      • Doug says:

        After looking at it again, I see far more that three alternatives for that 3rd line. I may change that eventually when I figure out what I want to do with it.

  2. Doug says:

    I changed it!

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